The Shell of a Girl That Once Was

 

 

That is what she lives in, a shell of a body that was once thought of as sexy and beautiful. She has a brain that works on only long term resurrection.  I have a really hard time with this because it may be caused by mind numbing boredom or all the medications she is convinced to take.  It must be like living in solitary confinement on the best of days…

 

She has Multiple Sclerosis.  She is my younger sister.

 

I get extremely angry and frustrated at this degenerative auto immune disease, I hate what it does to her.  She was very depressed and suicidal for a long long time because of this disease.  I have felt the same way because of it.  She is my best, and sometimes my only friend.

She never had the chance to give me nieces or nephews like we talked about so very long ago.  She had just gotten her first car when diagnosed, but had to sell it a year later because her legs couldn’t work properly to drive safely.

People from other countries that have never even heard of this disease can move to Canada and have a child here and that child can get Multiple Schlerosis!  Why?!?!?

We still do not know why. This makes me so angry at IT, this really is Canada’s Disease and we need to stop it.  I fear that in my sisters life time I will not be able to go to her and say, “We did it Cara, we found the cure.”

My beautiful sister had her life stolen from her because of MS.  We need to continue to battle, educate, inspire and nurture those that are unaware of what this can do to a person.

I was spending time with Cara recently, helping brush her teeth, feeding her thickened water and loving her like I always do.  Then the nurse came to her door and politely asked us if we were busy.  Busy living, surviving and depending on others; Yes.  Other than that nope.

I felt like asking her if we were intruding on her schedule because she proceeded to force feed my dear sister disgusting crushed up meds in applesauce while asking her to help her by taking it quicker.  While in doing so telling Cara how lucky she is to have me.

I am the lucky one.  I have still have Cara, she is the true definition of a fighter. She is tenacious and hilarious.  She reminds me every day that life ain’t so bad, because of her positive attitude. How she remains so positive sometimes is beyond me.

First of all, my sister has issues with swallowing because of this revolting disease and second of all, she is unable to process information quickly because of it.

That nurse pissed me off.  She was condescending and rude.  I am sure she is very unaware of how she made me at that time.  Even though the air was thick with resentment from me.

Unfortunately this nurse may not ever read this, or understand life from Cara’s point of view.  But I have to pick my battles wisely, because what if I raise a stink about something and a staff member decides to take it out on her when I am not there? What then?  I really hate to have to even think like this, because most health care professionals are truly awesome individuals.

All in all I am really hoping our precious studies and scientists find a cure long before my sister forgets she even suffers from Multiple Sclerosis.  We need the cure now, so Canada can stop saying this is ‘our disease’.  I hate this disease and I hate the amount of time it takes to produce an ounce of understanding about it.  My sister does not have the luxury of time or control anymore.

 

State of Confusion

Can’t find roots

Searching souls

Breathing labored

As I travel through

This willy-nilly life

Expectations falling quickly

No ground to step on

Tears of frustration

Always wanting more

There has to be a way

Searching for inner strength

A beauty hard to see

As confidence lacks

Trying to get heard

Crumbling as energy wavers

Only to receive pregnant silence

In an abyss of technical confusion

Understanding the end is near

Time to heal

Repair all damage

Accept only compasion

As my fate pulls me forward

via Daily Prompt: Willy-nilly

 

Tea

Tea for two;

tea for me.

Tea for you;

Liquid gold running through.

A stomach will settle.

Time will stand still.

Tea for me;

tea for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Tea

Half Way There!

I am excited because we are half way through our year and if I look back, boy has there been some major advances in my personal life!!! Thank heavens!

I decided after much reflection to leave my partner of ten years.  I would risk even going so far as to say he has issues because he is narsasistic.  I didn’t really even know the true meaning of the word until I met him.  I took our daughter and left a dog, a house, new truck and new camper as well.  I know I made the right decision because I haven’t cried for as all long as we have been apart and other things in my life are coming together quite nicely now.

Our young daughter is living with me and has adjusted to the changes and I think she totally accepts that her father and I will never live under the same roof again.  My home is our home and our old place is also her home some of the time.

I got hired at Drug Store with wonderful caring staff with whom I have become instant pals with.  I got my learners lisence so I can learn to drive and eventually get my own vehicle.  I am much happier and feel no more anxiety(go figure!).

So yay for me!  Yay for my daughter!  We can be self reliant and confident girls, proud of our wisedom and ability for deep compassion.  These are things that we had to hide or even ignore when living with my ex-partner.  

I can say, yes, 2016 is officially done, history, we can move onwards and upwards with no burdens that are not ours.  We can be empowered, inspired and treated with dignity we deserve.

So bring on the next adventure, we are ready with open arms!

Misguided Love

Tethered are those who can not see

The narcissist within a honeymoon

Drawn to a snake charmer

Hypnotic, entrancement once captured

Spinning tails of love, only but false hope

Reciprocation an unknown

In the narcissists world, there is only self love

Self appreciation, vanity and gloating

Manipulation and judgement the only language

Until one victim gets away with broken wings

Slipping through the false promises of a future

Charm radiates in hopes for a quick replacement

Only to keep the self centered alive

 

 

Weathered Words

Given time

Kick a can, a bucket

Crawling, rising in pensive stance

Waiting

Waiting for the fight

As guts knot

Stagger and spew

When words collide

Eerily creeping out

Just to go within

Forgetting who we were

Scratching begging to survive

Hiding behind fearful words

Of hate and betrayal

Only to find reflection

In a Mirror of guilt.