The Shell of a Girl That Once Was

 

 

That is what she lives in, a shell of a body that was once thought of as sexy and beautiful. She has a brain that works on only long term resurrection.  I have a really hard time with this because it may be caused by mind numbing boredom or all the medications she is convinced to take.  It must be like living in solitary confinement on the best of days…

 

She has Multiple Sclerosis.  She is my younger sister.

 

I get extremely angry and frustrated at this degenerative auto immune disease, I hate what it does to her.  She was very depressed and suicidal for a long long time because of this disease.  I have felt the same way because of it.  She is my best, and sometimes my only friend.

She never had the chance to give me nieces or nephews like we talked about so very long ago.  She had just gotten her first car when diagnosed, but had to sell it a year later because her legs couldn’t work properly to drive safely.

People from other countries that have never even heard of this disease can move to Canada and have a child here and that child can get Multiple Schlerosis!  Why?!?!?

We still do not know why. This makes me so angry at IT, this really is Canada’s Disease and we need to stop it.  I fear that in my sisters life time I will not be able to go to her and say, “We did it Cara, we found the cure.”

My beautiful sister had her life stolen from her because of MS.  We need to continue to battle, educate, inspire and nurture those that are unaware of what this can do to a person.

I was spending time with Cara recently, helping brush her teeth, feeding her thickened water and loving her like I always do.  Then the nurse came to her door and politely asked us if we were busy.  Busy living, surviving and depending on others; Yes.  Other than that nope.

I felt like asking her if we were intruding on her schedule because she proceeded to force feed my dear sister disgusting crushed up meds in applesauce while asking her to help her by taking it quicker.  While in doing so telling Cara how lucky she is to have me.

I am the lucky one.  I have still have Cara, she is the true definition of a fighter. She is tenacious and hilarious.  She reminds me every day that life ain’t so bad, because of her positive attitude. How she remains so positive sometimes is beyond me.

First of all, my sister has issues with swallowing because of this revolting disease and second of all, she is unable to process information quickly because of it.

That nurse pissed me off.  She was condescending and rude.  I am sure she is very unaware of how she made me at that time.  Even though the air was thick with resentment from me.

Unfortunately this nurse may not ever read this, or understand life from Cara’s point of view.  But I have to pick my battles wisely, because what if I raise a stink about something and a staff member decides to take it out on her when I am not there? What then?  I really hate to have to even think like this, because most health care professionals are truly awesome individuals.

All in all I am really hoping our precious studies and scientists find a cure long before my sister forgets she even suffers from Multiple Sclerosis.  We need the cure now, so Canada can stop saying this is ‘our disease’.  I hate this disease and I hate the amount of time it takes to produce an ounce of understanding about it.  My sister does not have the luxury of time or control anymore.

 

State of Confusion

Can’t find roots

Searching souls

Breathing labored

As I travel through

This willy-nilly life

Expectations falling quickly

No ground to step on

Tears of frustration

Always wanting more

There has to be a way

Searching for inner strength

A beauty hard to see

As confidence lacks

Trying to get heard

Crumbling as energy wavers

Only to receive pregnant silence

In an abyss of technical confusion

Understanding the end is near

Time to heal

Repair all damage

Accept only compasion

As my fate pulls me forward

via Daily Prompt: Willy-nilly

 

Apology

I have learned not to expect one.  Really.  Find a way to be sorry for the jerk or misinformed person that hurt you.   I have been to therapy because I needed it, badly, I needed someone to help re-learn that I am a good person and that I am okay just the way I am.  I was really broken when I went to therapy, life had just finished kicking the living shit out of me, and thankfully it is many years behind me now.  There were kind people and loved ones that helped me through what was one of the worst times of my existence.  I learned that people are not sorry the way I needed them to be for the pain they had caused me and the shit they may have put me through, and for that I am forgiving.  However, I have definitely accepted, finally, that some people can not say sorry.  I think it is cowardly because even if you aren’t, you really hurt some one, isn’t  one of life’s basic rules taught in our childhood is that you should be sorry.  Therapy, all those years ago, definitely taught me one thing and that is not all people will play by the same rules that I do.  Saying sorry comes easy to me, first of all I am a woman, second I am Canadian and third I do not like when I hurt anyone(unless there is no better choice).  I have yet to figure out why some people have forgotten or just don’t think it matters that you apologize if you hurt someone intentionally or otherwise.  I also have been known to say sorry for absolutely nothing at all, a proud Canadian trait that I have been working on for a couple a years now. Those are my thoughts on apologizing along with this poem.

 

A delicate lace of ribbon

That binds us to closure

Threads whose loose ends can be tied

  With the strength in an apology

It will bind our world in love

Or find our hearts regret

In an eyes blink

Without an apology

Forgiveness is our greatest power.

Go Withen

Go Withen

It is time for us to go

What is this

You, me

A house of cards

 

My wretched soul

Bleeding

Not a stitch in sight

A wound constantly played with

 

Self righteousness

No measure for my kindness

My seasoned heart protected

From those who find disregard

 

It is clear

Who you are

Who I am

Who we have become

 

Let us face truth

With no more silence

No more sadness

Without regret

 

All that is learned

Never lost

What was had

Is forever gone

 

Even after the fire dies

A flower will bloom

And a new light can be found

Only in growth.